Where’s Charles Hawtrey, Kenneth Williams and Sid James? I’ve got a great idea for a Carry on Film.
It’s about a plot to assassinate this awful bloke, a murderer and a villain who deserves to die, and the gang bump him off after an elaborate Carry On type of adventure.
The antics of the gang could be hilarious. They play members of Mossad, the infamous Israeli intelligence service. In real life their ingenious planning and meticulous preparation would miss nothing, only in this version their antics and blunders are played for laughs. First, they recruit an enormous gang of assassins, when more than three or four would look superfluous, so everyone should get the joke.
Then they clone several passports, overlooking the risk that the locations of the real passport holders could give the game away, and point the finger at themselves! That’s amusing isn’t it?
Then for another laugh, they ignore the ‘no grinning’ rule for a passport photograph, and have some of them grinning in their pictures. I nearly split my sides at that one.
The preparation is the funniest bit. It’s supposed to be meticulous and thorough, don’t forget, but hilariously the gang overlooks the CCTV cameras that are positioned every six inches from the arrival hall at the airport to the hotel en suite, capturing on camera every gang member as they enter the hotel lobby and step in and out of lifts, right up to the to the moment when Barbara Windsor goes into the bathroom bald and comes out wearing a wig. Sid James and the skinny one are disguised as tennis players, and everyone is wearing dark glasses just like a James Bond movie or something, only a spoof.
Afterwards, the gang escapes but everyone is full of moral outrage at the dastardliness and audacity of the plan, and public opinion forces the prime minister to take some sort of action a bit like when the Queen was made to look sad when Princess Diana died. Even the murder victim seemed less bad, or not bad at all, and people even felt sorry for him, and the BBC started calling him a Hamas Commander. But worse even than that, is the plight of the poor people whose identities had been stolen. The media even forgot that they were Israeli Jews, and called them British, and were engulfed with moral indignation on their behalf.
I’m not sure of the ending yet, but it’s bound to be funny, and involve the sort of come-uppance we all love and expect from the BBC.